It starts off as a trickle and turns to a flow then a flood. Thoughts whirl about, blending reality with imagination. And through all this, we are called to remain. Not to act well in the midst of it, but to live it. We are prodded by the universe to shed ideas we had about ourselves and our outside situations. We are engaged in the momentary lapse that is altering our course every day. It is not that we were meant to live a certain way.
I have always given myself allowance to change course in fully fledged earnest, when it was necessary. But I always felt like I was keeping my head down in anticipation of the next big life changing event. Sometimes, I would prompt these myself, by moving and changing jobs. There has been a large level of control I’ve tried to have over situations. And while I could direct larger courses to my life, it is the day to day that I have always struggled with.
Uncertainty has rested in the day to day because I have an easier time making big decisions than I do being in the aftermath of them. Rather than let life take its course, I have let society infringe its ill ideals onto me. I have let this deride me and move me farther and farther away from who I feel I am. I have let society form parts of my identity that it should have no hand in.
Where I should have waited, I jumped into action. Where I should have jumped, I waited. But these habits of mine are also necessary because they have taught me that I need to be still and sit in the places of discomfort. I need to do this so that I understand more deeply that I am not the external factors in my life. I am not even the thoughts in my head. I am the breathing house for the soul inside of me that understands uncertainty as a gift.